Confessions of a Bokononist

social notworking

2011-07-31T22:00:00.000-07:00

i guess i knew before i looked what i would find
i mean....duh.
who wouldn't post that?

it's just another tally really in the large social network of life
get a girlfriend
change your Facebook status
get engaged
change your Facebook picture
break up
delete your account
five months later
return to Facebook like you're some kind of hero

i'm not surprised by your engagement
and i wasn't surprised by your relationship
i WAS surprised that you still loved me
but, to be fair, that was a year ago times two
which just means that i will be REALLY surprised when i find out you still love me now
...or at least that's how the dream goes
whomp whomp whommmm

i don't even know what i'm talking about

i'm a slave to the nostalgia
and comforted in old memories bring up old pain
,apparently

on monday mornings,
while hoga teacher is twisting me in painful positions
asking me to do things
my body can't do
i keep thinking
why can't i do this in other areas of my life
bend against what i've always held to be natural/safe
maybe my unhappiness is spurred from my security

unfortunately, i don't have enough unhappiness on most nights,
to detect an origin
it's in the morning, when X or Y or Z leaves
and i sink back into my bed for a short 5 minutes
in order to restore the routine of my wake up;
alone;
as it should be;
for now

07.05.11

2011-07-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

As if nothing has happened in three months time...

If I lied and pretended that I loved playing the games, then could we stop playing the games?

I'd like to at least get to the point where I make the bad decision. Need that arch...

If I really practised what I've preached (proughtened) then would I actually start to believe it?

If you're really that happy with him then why do I not think you are?

More importantly...

When will I stop doing "Go Frogs" in pictures?

04/03/2011

2011-04-03T20:39:00.000-07:00

question, is this prostitution?

to pay someone:
to run her fingers through my hair-
pulling my head closer to her
so she can
whisper in my ear, "how do you like it?'
pushing me away
caressing my scalp
with such power
passion
tea-treeness.

can you get an STD from a $3-with-haircut shampoo session?

i'm not to the point that i'll do this when unnecessary, but damnit alexis, that was worth the three extra bucks.

03.14.11

2011-03-13T23:22:00.000-07:00

the beard is my pride and my shame
i will wear it proudly like the synecdoche it has become.

White Rabbit

2011-03-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

"wait..."
"...yes?"
"...because I like cats?"
"welllllllllllluh I mean that's just, like, one reason."
"what's another reason?"
"..."
"..."
"you don't like dogs more than cats."
"that's the same reason."
"technically they're two reasons"
"I hate you."
"Oh, now that's not very nice to say."

i am a breathing time machine,

2011-02-27T13:27:00.001-08:00

i'll take you all for a ride.

==============
i was worried that i had forgotten this feeling,
so i guess in a way i'm grateful that it happened.

the problem is that i know without a shadow of a doubt
what IT is. there's no second guessing, which sucks.

IT is everything i've ever wanted
IT is amazingly powerful
IT is literally gut-wrenching
IT is graceful
IT is really funny
IT is terribly terribly depressing
IT is kinda cute
IT can be debilitating
IT is my dreams
IT brings me to tears
IT both softens and hardens my heart
IT is the accumulation of my life
IT has the potential to be the greatest thing i could have ever done
IT is ART (like real, creative, produced art)

and since IT cannot be mine, i only pray that i forget about it quickly

020311

2011-02-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: blah blah blah
---------------------------------------------------------

currently wonder if i actually really wrote the post before this one.

while i burn holes into the back of every blonde haired girl at church
and friend every cute brunette suggested to me on facebook
and talk to every asian waitress in dallas.

oh, you want to be married?
odd, because i'd say that opposite by your actions.

"i think you're selfish."
"i agree", but you have a dirty mouth and that's not very becoming of a lady.

it's funny to see you make that look in that facebook video-
because it's the same look you use to make me in other videos long ago.
also, tell your effing boyfriend to quite checking me out on linkedin.

please excuse me, everyone, for not calling to break up with her after the second date.
it was my bad for calling her back after the first.

to be a man
be a man
be a man
be a man
be a fucking man
if that's not your goal, then what is?

12.19.10

2010-12-18T23:13:00.000-08:00

can't decide which one proves my insanity more:

1. last night i thought out my entire rebuttal to a fake conversation with an ex girlfriend

2. literally 5 minutes ago i thought about the break up speech i'm going to give to a girl i haven't been on a first date with yet

3. i understand the meaning and fullness of god's love yet i still run from it

Snippets of the review of "Nate! The Musical"

2010-12-18T12:04:00.000-08:00

In the beginning of the third act, the main character decides that it might be worth having a girlfriend. Interestingly enough this realization does not come to the main character after a long monologue reflecting on his loneliness, or even an upbeat dance number filled with his best friends teasing him for being without a lady on New Year's Eve, rather Nate decides one morning after his annual Christmas party that he should probably consider dating someone with a good memory so she can recount to him the funny things that happen while he is drunk. The reviewer questions the legitimacy of this decision, and notes that it's just another artistic decision by the playwright that could make this show too unrealistic to be enjoyable...by anyone.

time for a bunberry

2010-12-11T09:21:00.000-08:00

cherries
bright red balls
potentially juicy

grapes
deep purple marbles
inevitably raisins

real mustaches > fake mustaches

every day i am taken aback by our culture's repressed sexual economy.
it's definitely a free market, folks

"i've been fooled by a pretty face in a facebook profile before"

is everyone's greatest fear that one day someone will look them in the eye and say, "how did i ever love you?"

...yeah, me neither, pweefs.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
UPDATE: forgot to apologize to the girl i randomly facebook chatted and talking about marriage with. also the girl who i told for 5 months that i didn't want a relationship and then last night made a joke about how no girl would ever want to date me.

dear girl i went to happy hour with last night, will you excuse me while i ask out a girl on a date for tonight.

dear girl i asked out on a date for tonight, will you excuse me while i bunburry with my friend to KC so i can see another girl who i've promised me heart to?

dear girl i've promised my heart to in KC, will you excuse me for living in Dallas?

dear girl at work i had a sex dream about and then had to be in a one on one meeting with the next morning. that was awksome!

11.16.10

2010-11-16T21:06:00.000-08:00

My life is summed up in my cellular device:
i care a cracked screen, slow as shit, iPhone 3G;
2 years old, barely runs.
But somehow I still find a way to hold it above people.
People with Blackberrys, Androids,
effing "feature phones".
In reality, what is it that I'm holding out for?
Why am I not Beyonce'ing that shit?
"lemme lemme upgrade ya!"
What do I think is worth hanging on to?
And why do I think it's still better than what you have?
Why am I convinced that I have it figured out.
I don't. I don't. Lord knows I doesn't don't do not.

If someone tells you you're the best at your job, doesn't that mean it's time to find a new job?
If someone tells you they love you, what does that mean?
Find a new lover that's slightly better?
Oops.

Why the fuck would anyone love me when they could love the thought of dating James Franco?!

(let's pretend like they haven't seen his part in Pineapple Express)

BUT SERIOUSLY.

God.... good lord baby jesus?
should i just fall into the trap of that awkward girl at church because it's what you want me to do?

.......

just burn it on her forehead maybe?

........

i am concussed.

Public Grooming

2010-10-31T09:43:00.000-07:00

too excited to sleep?

-----------------------

didn't i see you at that dallas restaurant? pull up in the passenger side of the mercedes-benz coupe with the SMU bumper sticker?
didn't we exchange glances and pleasant smiles as i walked by you to my table?
didn't i catch you looking over at date when she got up to go to the rest room?
didn't you sub-consciously lightly rub your 2 carat diamond ring?
didn't i see you nonchalantly smile my way, again, when you were getting up to leave?
didn't i watch you turn back, one more time, to look at our table before walking out the door? wanted one more peep before stepping into the mercedez-benz coupe with the SMU bumper sticker?

are you jealous?
are you longing for the days before the days you're in?
are you wondering if you cashed your chips in too soon?
are you wishing you hadn't cashed your chips in so soon?
are you wanting to trade the coupe, the .0111111111 year old child, the showtime sunday nights--
for something else?

is it my 8 o'clock shadow?
is it my messed up hair?
is it my lack of ring on the left hand, and the white teeth underneath the slight grin?
what is it that makes you think i'm better than your bland, cookie cutter, dark haired, fishing shirt, top-sider, banker?

maybe you think i'm a musician-
or maybe you think i'm an artist.
or maybe you are just so incredibly bored with your life that you're reaching out for any and all fantasies that could liven up your daily day dreaming.

(am i the fodder for the starving dreams of suburban housewives?
[surely i'm not muscular enough])

it is probably true that it's something in the water that makes people in TX marry so young.
either that or it's just all the hot blondes that need to be making memories when they're still blonde and not platinum.
but still it's got to be painful.
there's no growing up.
there's high school, one date party, and then marriage.

well, why wait nate?
what more do you want?

.
..
...
....
i want everything.

a wolf in sheep's clothes

2010-10-17T20:43:00.001-07:00

a sheep in wolf's clothes.

10.05.10

2010-10-05T19:39:00.001-07:00

your face.
my god, your face.
i can't even remember what it looks like...

09.22.2010

2010-09-22T06:35:00.000-07:00

in the office early when september grabs my heart
*grab*
*yank*
*pull*
doubled over on my desk,
clutching my chest

OAHEJJKSDADnkjnjksdfnjksdfweLKJ

!!!!

!!!

!!

!

september sinks its claws into me and starts pulling
pulling me closer to october
and eventually november
damnit...november
and the avett brothers pain my heart
and iron and wine is like a cigarette burn on freshly healed skin
does not feel good
nostalgia
nostalgia

nostalgia

nosty

nothing in particular

and not someone in particular

just the feeling of having feelings

painful

emotionalism.

09.17.10 09:23AM - Craig's List - Dallas

2010-09-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

23 yr old M seeking vindication via baby

In an effort to prove wrong the multiple women who have come in my life optimistic for relationship, and then exited quickly, proclaiming, "There's no hope for you!"; I've decided to have a child.

A child would be the perfect vehicle for displaying my high level of responsibility, value of human life and emotion, and my -quote-unquote- "feelings" (which I do have, thank you!).

Therefore, any willing hosts should apply by leaving a comment after this post.

Thank you.

Please only serious inquiries. I hold full discretion to refuse services of applicants I deem not suitable. By volunteering for this opportunity, you are obligated to accept my sperm by act of my choosing. I am also in no way liable for your health, feelings, or desire for relationship during the terms of our agreement. Actually, there will be no relationship, and should you, at any time, happen to be in close proximity with me, my child, and a potential romantic interest, you are to act like we don't know each other. In fact, it might be best if we don't know each other. Offer not valid in New Mexico.

08.26.10

2010-08-26T17:31:00.000-07:00

It's really difficult to lose someone from your life. To go to bed and say your prayers, and know that one of those people is no longer on earth. No longer walking around their house, doing chores and stuff. It's really difficult to keep living your life in Dallas when you think about what if someone else I love could maybe one day soon not be walking around their house doing chores and stuff? some could say it could be very difficult. but i guess that's what separates the people that excel at life and the people that fail at life. of course, if failing at life means more time with those i love, then consider me a loser. a big old loser.

Now so older stuff I've been meaning to post. Older but not wiser. Probably just as weird and self-conscious though!!!

=================================

This is my idea for my Match.com profile

I would like to be in a relationship. A really serious one. I am fantastic with commitment. Just A plus plus plus. Basically, I don't even care who the girl is, I care more about the relationship! So if you wanna get married, step right up! No experience necessary. You don't have to do anything! Except like be perfect, actually. I mean, come to think of it, I would prefer to just date my soul mate and not waste my time on these dates. Also I don't want to talk to you about how much money I make. Or tell you about my dad's job. I'd rather talk about dreams. And music. And maybe my ex-girlfriend. Yes, must be open to talking about mothers and ex-girlfriends. Mainly mothers though.

Call me!

Now this poem sums up my thoughts about being young and single in the workplace and having to work with slightly older (25-30?), married, attractive, and flirtatious professional females. I like to think that it illustrates the point that although secretaries complain that they're treated like a piece of meat- young men in the workplace can sometimes feel like giggalos.

We met at a bar,

of course a bar,

but for work, right?;

still a bar.

You had straight teeth.

Your hair was blonde,

color of Kryptonite,

so I told myself it was suppose to be brown.

I think it would probably look better brown.

Have you thought of that?

Of dying your hair brown?

I mean,

you do have big brown eyes.

Regardless of your hair,

I did appreciate the conversation,

the jokes,

the flirtatious elbow touches,

the dreams of us running away together.

The thought that maybe you could put me under some spell that would allow me to forget my current curse. Until one day I show up at your door and I find you with your bags packed and you're saying some crazy stuff like "I'm leaving for Chicago, I told you three months a go I was moving and what the hell nate do you never listen when I talk to you?!!"

and I'm all like, "SAYYYYYYY WHAT?"

However....

I did not appreciate the ring on your finger.

That evil piece of carbon,

clinging so tightly to your left hand ring finger,

wrapped by the devil's hands himself,

so tight that as you grow fatter (probably from eating all those M&Ms that they gave us to snack on during the brain storm session. Don't act like I didn't see you eat all those!) it will squeeze all the blood to the top of the digit

until the very tip of your finger is a bright red cherry tomato about to pop all over my shirt and OH MY GOD, YOU'RE BLEEDING ON MY SHIRT! THIS IS FROM BROOKS BROTHERS AND IT WAS NOT ON SALE! AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO WASH THIS WITH- COLD WATER? X, SOMEBODY GET ME AN ICE CUBE! UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(see also: my heart)

So you're married.

So what.

We can network.

We can talk about social media.

Great.

Awesome.

I'm going to go stick my head in the sink and water-board myself.

Oh you're going to email me your info?

FAN-TASTIC!

This is my idea for a poem about still possibly being in love with an ex girlfriend who is in love with someone else, but you both still want to be friends because you both still really care for the other one but it's just awkward and confusing and messy, and phone calls never really end right for either party, and you don't know what to do because like I already said there's a chance that there are still feelings there, but I mean, I don't know it could just be remains of nothing and I don't want it to stop us from being friends, right?

Well this effing sucks.

750 words?

2010-08-18T05:20:00.000-07:00

Is this what it's come to? A huge tribunal council where I must apologize to any girl I ever hit on, led on, or made fall in love with me?? This kind of task could only be accomplished by the most narcissistic of aspiring writers. of narcissistic aspiring writers with only 30minutes before they leave for work but with some unexpected desire to actually write something again. anything again.

so i apologize, for writing you that note in seventh grade. and i'm sorry to your parents for having to deal with you after. but i think we're even because i think you're married.

and i'm sorry for telling you i'd still talk to you when i moved to oklahoma, but c'mon.

i'm sorry for making you fall in love with me in hafer park. and in fort worth, texas. and college station, and houston, and kansas city, and maybe new york? but not dallas. and i'm sorry for a lot of things but mainly for the fact that i let you get in the relationship you're in now. and i'm not sorry for saying that.

i'm sorry for causing you to believe that i wanted anything more than a distraction from apologizing.

i'm sorry for whatever i told you at The Moon that night. honestly, i can't for the life of me remember what i said.

i'm sorry for that night i made you fall in love with me in austin. you were a good dancer, but why did you text me the next day? (x2)

i'm sorry for making you fall in love with me when i visited (charleston / chicago).

all apologies for making you fall in love with me in my cubical. this one is not going to be fun to deal with i can already tell.

most importantly, i'm sorry to YOU for believing that this life is better than pursuing You first before finding her. I've started atleast. I mean, it's been a good 3 months, right? Slow, lonely, sad, but good?

this wasn't nearly funny enough

Coming soon

2010-08-12T21:20:00.001-07:00

6:15pm traffic in Arlington, TX. What a time to get that phone call.

August 10th ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

2010-08-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

Listening to the Avett Bros in August and it seriously feels like November.

I’m not kidding. I feel like I should be wearing a North Face pull over over a TCU tshirt right now. It should be 50 degrees. Brown leaves on the ground.

It’s freakin’ 105 outside right now.

And I’m still in love with a girl that’s been in love with some one else for TWO YEARS now. TWO FUCKING YEARS

BAGGAGEBAGGAGEBAGGAGEBAGGAGEBAGGAGEBAGGAGEEGAGGABEGAGGABEGAGGABEGAGGAB

I am a breathing time machine.

I’ll take you all for a ride.

This time don’t make me leave.

8:13 AM (right blog this time...oops)

2010-05-06T06:15:00.001-07:00

In my experience

It’s true that

The best laid plans

Of mice and men oft go awry.

But it’s the best laid webs

Of spider-like ex girlfriends,

That always go exactly as they planned.

The trap was set with a challenge:

“So you really think we can just be friends?”

And it was sprung with my response:

Absolutely.

Then the hunt was on.

To find holes in my logic.,

To make me admit I still had feelings,

To justify your reasoning for not letting yourself think about me.

And with every leading response from you,

I kept getting tangled more.

Every, “who knows who or when I will get married…”

And every “I must be crazy, but I still feel…”

And even the implicit way you breath in frustration on the phone,

Transported me back to a day

When it was okay to:

Think,

To fight,

To feel.

(Like I was back in Waco, TX and you were saying, “Why do I have a boyfriend?” and kissing me on the mouth before you would let me leave)

Just like that I’m stuck.

Tangled in my own responses,

My emotions-

That seemed okay to vent at the time;

That seemed natural,

That you didn’t disagree with so harshly

But in actuality,

The ring has already been picked out.

The dates been set.

You’ve made your mind up,

But that doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that I’m now your prey…

“See, see, SEE?”

“I knew I was right!”

“This is why we can’t see each other-

because you still have feelings!”

Yeah…it’s only me who has the feelings.

That’s fine.

I’ll accept the consequence.

Devour me.

Please.

I’d rather die following my heart,

Than die pretending I’m something I’m not.

I might miss some time in the game,

But I’m not lying to myself.

I’m not tangled in my own web

Of “too comfortable”s

Of “what will people think”s

Or even “money”s.

Break out.

Do it.

Besides,

I have a beard now.

Things will be different.

04/22/10

2010-04-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

"Honestly...like honestly, Nate....do you think I'm dating down?"

VOMIT

And you and everyone else wonders why I'm single.

"Seriously how are you single in Dallas? I feel like girls should be fighting for you."

Well they're not fighting but that doesn't mean that people aren't getting hurt.

In my experience, it doesn't get any better. I know that it can, and I believe that it will- but right now, I'm not going to exert myself to hurt myself- if you know what I'm saying.

Also, I'm not going to settle for chicks who say things like that....woof (or wolf - i say them the same)

===============

Keys to being successful at your job:

smile in the hallway
drive a nicer car than you can afford
be funny (present a funny presentation about a mildly controversial website)
empathize with the programmers
act like you're interested in nerdy things
flirt with the older single girls
(but never too much)
dress well
be on time (still working on this)
never let them know that you don't know what you're doing
BAM!
first million in the bank

+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

i see right through you, you know.
which, actually, i think you might like;
your guard has always been rather high.
unfortunately,
for both of us,
i don't play those games anymore.
so call me when it's less messy.
or maybe i'll call you when i've realized i don't care that much about the clean up.

----------------------------------

but seriously, since when has, "I can't believe you're still single in Dallas" been a compliment??

04.15.10

2010-04-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

There's only one person I want to read this thing anymore and she is the last person I want to read this thing anymore.

=======

Coming home on a Thursday night,
my breath has the hint of hops-
like driving down I-35 right outside of Fort Worth on a Friday afternoon.

=======

Will I ever be as invested in a relationship again? Will I ever want to try that hard again- I mean, when I was actively trying (you know, the times when you weren't...at all)- if I know there's a chance I can fail?

I will never forget the look on the 5th-girl-who-tried-to-date-me's face.
"So basically that's why we can't date."
"Because we might break up in 5 years?"
"Well, there's a lot more to it then that....but yeah, basically."
*look on the 5th-girl-who-tried-to-date-me's face*
"I'll never forget that face"

=======

Is my resentment obvious to others?
Can they tell when I come in to a meeting late what I'm thinking?

"Oh hey guys, sorry I'm late."
"Aww don't worry about it, Nate. I can tell by that dumb look on your face you were just looking at your ex-girlfriend's twitter again."
"Haha ummm I don't know what you're talking about..."
"Yeah, don't worry about it, we've all been there."
"Shit."

Is that why I'm so good at looking up people on Facebook? Please don't tell me your name when I meet you. It will make it so much better for both of us. If I know your name I can facebook you. If I can facebook you I can see your political affiliation, your quotes, your music, etc. If I know all that then you're a goner. Never tell me your name. Just keep smiling at me in the hall so I can store you in some kind of file where I never think of you that much that I want to date you, but enough that I don't think I'm terrifying to look at when passed in the hall.

===+===+===

The only thing that being married to someone's work got them was gobs and gobs of money.

-----------------

04.04.10

2010-04-04T06:39:00.000-07:00

He is risen! Is there anything else to say?

-----------

Lord help me to encourage others in their walk with you. Help me to seek, connect, guide, and support friends in their journeys. Help me to be more than myself for you, and help me to lay down myself for you. Keep my heart honest and my tongue and hands righteous. Forgive me for the plethora of mistakes I make everyday, but remind me that through grace, I am still accepted. Center me on the sacrifice. Amen.

------------

We are saved by the blood of the lamb.

2010-03-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

03/20/10

2010-03-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

Girl to friends: No you don't understand, Nate and I had an awesome talk this morning. He really opened up to me; it was great. All the barriers were down and this illusive person that he had only given me glimpses of was alive. He was funny and kind, and everything he said was profound. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's terribly insecure, scared to death of love and commitment - some girl broke his heart pretty well in the past - but he just seemed so genuine. I know it's absurd to say, but I mean....I could totally marry a man like that.

Friends to Girl: So you guys are dating now?!

Girl: ..... oh ..... yeah..... I don't know

--- 3 months later ---

Girl: Yeah, I haven't talked to him in 3 months.

================================

So there's my sin, Internets. Over self-consciousness. General douche-baggery. Delusions of entitlement. Loving the sweet taste of MSG.

That's not an allusion, I really want Panda Express.

03.Today.ThisYear

2010-03-09T01:01:00.000-08:00

Today is surely the day that I get fired.

well if that's the case, i must have been drunk last night

2010-03-04T22:38:00.001-08:00

last night i cried all night for a girl i never knew
last night i cried all night for you

02.25.10

2010-02-25T05:53:00.000-08:00

the diagnosis can be saved for some one who is a little less sure.

i am a crazy person.

the head aches,
the dreams,
the recent increase in thoughts that begin with "wouldn't it be funny if..." and usually end with some ridiculous action involving a coworker or friend.
even the viewing of Shutter Island on some deeper level made me question what in the world was wrong with me.
OR maybe i'm just like Claire from LOST who has build her own little world and everyone lies to me to keep me stable.
i did make up a friend for about 2 years there for awhile. i mean, she was real, but she wasn't really a friend-- if that counts.

so lock me up. throw away the key. narcissism is a crime punishable by solitary confinement. haha can you imagine how much worse that would make it??

oh lord, when is the stage where i get over myself and start caring about others?
oh, a relationship? marriage? family?
fine. just show me the one.

no...a different one. one after that one...and that one. thanks.

Sun 10:32 PM

2010-02-07T20:48:00.000-08:00

There was some ill-begotten song that the spin class teacher would always play during sprints

"It's tooooooooo late to apologize. Toooooooooooo late."

And I guess in a lot of ways that's probably true; in most circumstances.

But I always like to do it anyway.

So I'm sorry if this is delayed, but...

Sorry for saying sorry I'm not sorry when in reality I really was a little bit sorry.

Sorry?

You heard me.

===================================

"I just want to get to a spot where I feel content, or happy, not having to keeping pushing or gathering."- me to my mom

"I can't promise you will ever reach that point. I think everyone wants to be there, but it's always a little farther away." -my mom to me

==================

It's a mind set. It's a heart set. It's a faith set.

Contentment isn't in a new job with an impressive firm (in NY or Dallas).
It's not in a Volvo C30 R-Design.
It's not in a hot girlfriend;
certainly not in hooking up with a hot girl-
or God forbid, multiple girls.
Hell, it's not even in an exgirlfriend you tried too hard to win back.
It's in Jesus.
It's in his sacrifice for us.
It's grace
GRACE GRACE GRACE

Dammit, you've known that for a real long time, Nardo.
Certainly before you did the laundry list above.

#####################

Are the Avett Brothers as content as I dream of being if I were them?

-- funny, typing that line just made me feel like an idiot.

*i am so blessed.
.GRACE.

--- but seriously, if i could ask for one thing, it might be a girl that is not some how linked to work, a previous girlfriend (sic) or questionably crazy. i think i just pigeonholed myself.

Dumbed Down and Numbed by Time and Age

2010-01-28T20:44:00.000-08:00

25ish years from now
and I'm on a park bench
with half of my DNA.
"no, listen (some first name that goes well with my middle and last name)
it's like i've always been telling you
since you were 15;
they'll break your heart.
they'll flirt,
provoke,
promise,
love,
swear,
and then
change their mind.

it's happened to the best of us,
trust us."

and then i'll close my eyes tight
and try with all my might
to somehow transfer all my memories
the conversations--
the lack of talking--
the ecstasy--
the deep deep disappointment--
the anxiety--
the anxiety--
over to him,
so he can understand what i'm talking about.

nothing.

so i'm left, just sitting on a park bench,
and he leaves to experience it for himself.

on second thought,
maybe i won't give him my middle name.

then at least he would have the
SLIGHT opportunity
of not making the same mistakes i do/did.

Sun 9:59 PM

2010-01-24T20:04:00.000-08:00

to believe 101% that the bible is the truth. the word of God. the biblical jesus is the only jesus. the bible is the only word. yes, consider it believed.

to act. to digest. to live. next step.

i'm ready lord. i'm excited. use me as the tool (sic) i know i can be.

01.10.10

2010-01-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

I can't wait for the tenth of October.

++++++++++++++

blurthelinesblurethelinesblurthelinesblurthelines
linesthebluelinestheblurlinestheblurlinestheblurs

++++++++++++++

i use to blame it on her
lack of commitment
unwillingness to settle
it was all because i had been hurt in the past
what a piss poor excuse
what a head case i've become

i'm constantly fighting the urge to settle in to this life
and the desire to rip it all apart and start over again

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

blueberry lipgloss.

12.13.09

2009-12-13T08:38:00.000-08:00

--------
--------
I don't think you understand the reason I'm so funny is because I can only talk to you when I'm drunk.

…
who am I kidding, I'm hilarious.

-------------------

it's cold outside and it's my junior year of college and my lips burn
standing outside of an einsteins after our first awkward(now)/awesome(at the time) redevouz
i specifically remember reaching for my chapstick
breaking our intermixed arms
(too cold to hold hands- but still wanting to show some kind of affection)
but then when i finally put the chapstick on my lips,
the feeling wasn't nearly as enjoyable as it would have been to stand there a few more seconds with my arm in yours

more than a year later i stand outside of an apartment building in brooklyn and i do the same move
but this time with more emphasis
with some words
like "i thought….I wish….if only….maybe when…."

now it's 9 months after i put my chapstick on in new york
and i'm in dallas
and my heads been clear of you for months
and it's not nearly as cold as it was
but my lips are burning

----------
----------

Lord, help me get over myself.

Whatever

2009-12-04T22:14:00.000-08:00

What is that disease called?
The one where every first date feels like a funeral
but during every night alone you dream of a wedding?
Is this some sort of American Hugh Grant movie I'm stuck in?
Possibly…but pre-hookers.

(I've tried to add more lines to this, but I can't)

All living things have shoulders.

11.23.09

2009-11-23T20:42:00.000-08:00

thump, thump thump, thump
(is that her heart beating?)
"are you nervous?"
"…why?"
"…no reason"
(thank God someone still has feeling in this world)
"why are you smiling?"
"...no reason"

11/03/09

2009-11-03T21:01:00.000-08:00

national blog writing month

national novel writing month

bark!

NOT national gmat / countless interviews month

woof.

i had my first dream about you in 4 weeks last night.

woof.

biggest job interview of my life tomorrow.

bark!

voice like a smoker of 60 years.

woof.

god is good. all things through christ who gives me strength

09/20/09

2009-09-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

It's not me, it's you.

I mean, I meant it when I told you there was nothing you could do about it, but that doesn't mean that it isn't your fault.

You are woman. Therefore it will always be difficult (see also impossible)

Exhibit A:

>>advances

<<'ignore

>>advances

<<'refuse

>>advances

<<'cave

>>regret<<

To be honest, it was easier than I thought it would be to cave in so easily - - but that doesn't mean that I'm feeling any better about this (because I still don't see it being easy).

Or maybe it's my fault, I'm definitely out of shape. It's like I've been training, but not for the race I want to be running. I guess I should have told you before you started running next to me. Lo siento.

09.17.09

2009-09-17T20:53:00.000-07:00

I'm constantly at war with two very rational and perfect answers to the only problem I currently have in life.

First of all, it's a great problem to have. Okay no, before that first of all, I should say that, very first of all, I am incredibly blessed to only have one problem. Maybe it's not even a problem. Maybe it's just an issue (pronounced issssss-ewwwww). Regardless, I am very blessed to have a full supportive and loving family that is neither stricken with sickness or ill feelings towards me (currently). I also have some of the greatest friends I could ask for- they laugh at my jokes, they encourage my decisions, and they generally give me good advice. They're great. I also presently have a job that pays very well and isn't too entirely boring. So what's my problem you ask? Ambition.

I am diseased with ambition. Now really, I'm not a prick. I know that statements like that sound so self-indulgent, and like when the girl in your accounting class would complain about how much she studies (boo whoo don't study so much). I'm just saying that I'm worried that I won't ever be happy where I currently am. Maybe it's anxiety. Anxious ambition? But seriously, I am always thinking about the future and the next step and how to fit the next piece into the puzzle and if I'm even working on the correct puzzle.

My history is riddled with evidence of this. You should interview my ex-girlfriends. They were all great, beautiful, awe-inspiring creatures, buuuuuuttttttttt…things just didn't work out. I wanted more from them (when in reality they were probably giving more than enough). Same with college. I just wanted more. I wanted to do more things, I wanted to be in control of more stuff, I wanted more people to like me.

So now I want to know when will I just be Nate? Do I even know what Nate is? Is he just this guy that wants to do more things, and be recognized more and be more well liked? Do I take the job in Houston because it pays well and is with a good company? OR do I listen to the one little identifiable part of me left and keep pursuing advertising- a beaten down industry that pays horribly and is so hard to make a name for yourself. What do I do?! Be myself OR be myself?! Help me Ronda.

What? Really? Okay, you're right. I'm a prick.

500 Days of Nardo

2009-08-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

the joy of getting older

the cold feet of responsibility

the wet blanket of practicality

the excitement of finding fellow dreamers

the desire to reach your full potential

the love of friends and family

the respect of superiors

the rebirth of hip

Completely Fictional Conversations

2009-07-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

conversation takes place in narrator's head, but plays out as if it were two ex-lovers talking on the phone who hadn't talked on the phone to each other in a long time.

me: "you hurt me, you know?"

pause

you: "yeah...but you hurt me too."

long pause

me: "yeah, i know i did...but it's been so long and i'm still dealing with it."

you: "why?"

uncomfortably long pause

me: "valid point."

==================Flashback===================

conversation takes place in a mexican restaurant during happy hour. narrator is noticeably worried about the close proximity of other guests whilst having the following conversation. "her" is oblivious to others in the building, social norms, etc.

me: "i think it's a valid point."

her: "why?"

me: "i don't know how to explain it. i just can't do it. i was hurt in the past and i don't want to do it again."

her: "well don't you know that your indecision, your fear of commitment, your...whatever you're doing, is hurting me?!"

me: "i mean, yes, of course i know that. but it's not that easy. i can't just jump into this like you want me to. i can't just tell you everything, let you in."

her: "why not?! this is what i'm talking about- why do you expect me to be open and honest about everything to you, but you can keep things from me?"

me: "honestly?"

her: "honestly."

me: "honestly...this is a great margarita." said with a sly grin.

pause.

her: to her margarita "unbe-fuckin-lievable."

me: to the waiter "excuse me sir, another margarita please."

waiter: "yes, sir. one more margarita!"

========================Flashforward==============

conversation takes place late at night -after the bars closed- on the front porch of a house narrator has only imagined being in a few times.

girl: "why the fuck not?!"

me: "i don't know it's just like, because i barely know you."

girl: "you'll get to know me."

me: "no..." nervous laugh "that's not it. i mean i should know you first."

girl: "..."

me: "i would just feel bad. don't get me wrong, i want to. i really do. i mean, i think you're gorgeous, man do i think you're... but i can't..."

girl: "you're an idiot. get inside. we aren't going to date. we aren't going to fall in love. we aren't going to tell each other secrets that no one knows about us. we aren't going to make plans for the future. and we definitely aren't going to end up hurting each other."

they exchange a medium length stare

girl: "so what are you waiting for?"

me: "valid point."

06.22.09

2009-06-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

God thank you for beautiful landscapes: large green trees, rushing water, fish that play hard-to-get.

Thank you for true brotherhood; friendships that will last a lifetime.

Thank you for challenging me in my life, my relationships and my faith.

Thank you for the daily reminder that I am but a pawn in your large plan; gaining humility is the most challenging but rewarding thing I've done in years.

Send me strength that I may deal with my current situation, but comfort in knowing that eventually it will all work itself out.

Help me to help others.

Light a fire.

2009-06-03T13:38:00.001-07:00

i've written this post and deleted it...twice.

the glory of God has been revealed to me in my own mistakes. i have repeatedly screwed up, yet been incredibly blessed more times than i can count in the past year. i have an amazing life with family and friends that love me. regardless of the tough economy, and the lost job opportunities, i've been blessed with incredibly an supportive family and faculty which truly believe in me. so why do i not always believe in myself?

more importantly, why do i continue to sin after recognizing it? why do i think that i'm not strong enough to overcome my problem? no man is an island, nate.

perhaps this is another gift from God- the greatest flaw in the human design is that we can't make it through life alone.

i can't do this alone anymore.

good thing i'm not alone.

==============================

i'm not sad because i can't write poems about you anymore.
it's not like you were my great muse
and i am now left forever unable to write another
beautiful
piece
of
poetry / witty haiku about U.
nah,
it's more like i'm stuck in between days.
i know that the next one,
the real muse,
will allow me to unleash something awesome-
some truly great stuff,
but until then i'm waiting.
tick.
tock.
tick.

Confessions of a Bokononist

2009-05-25T18:19:00.000-07:00

Two steps forward. One step backward.

05.21.09

2009-05-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

i believe that it is safe to say that i have started my slow descent into alcoholism. look at the evidence:

lack of employment
lack of motivation to find employment
nostalgic about everything
eager to blame my situation on someone else
drinks alcohol

alas, woe is me. what ever shall i do? i suppose i will continue to enjoy time with my friends and family before deciding where to move: new york, dallas, tulsa, kc? london, munich?

the possibilities are endless...

04.27.09

2009-04-26T22:51:00.000-07:00

i never cease to amaze myself.

thank you Lord for blessing me with a soul that is able to reflect and respond. thank you for time. thank you for blonde hair. thank you for laughing. thank you for the best friends i could ask for.

we all make mistakes sometimes. we also make good decisions.

*purge

04.19.09

2009-04-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

FOUND: uploaded to YouTube video from June.

WISHING I HADN'T FOUND: uploaded to YouTube video from June.

When do I purge everything? Is it even possible? Are you just unpurgable?!

NEED: syrup of ipecac haha ... or the much better alternative...

----------------------------------

Today's sermon made me realize that I am, in fact, a God fearing man.

Is it so outlandish to think that maybe we do need to make believers out of everyone on this Earth?

Maybe.....maybe not

-----------------------------------

new blog coming soon

04.11.09

2009-04-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

Is it Record Store Day yet?

........

what about now?

04.05.09

2009-04-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

Palm Sunday is my favorite Sunday.

I just typed "07" as the year in the title. I wish. So many things change so fast, and I often times find myself with a headache when I think about it. Like right now. If I could relive only one year from my college experience which would it be? Freshman year or Senior year? Interesting...

Lord, what am I doing with my life? There are so many distractions from perusing you that I don't even know where to begin to trim the fat.

Is it possible that you trust someone but you don't believe them? Reworded: is it possible that you love someone so much that you wish you would never think of them? Or maybe that's the rub. Maybe love can't be one sided. One sided love is really just a projected image of something that isn't there; or a longing for "something else to happen/change/be realized". Love is between two people. Emo songs are for one person.

"The one who got away...only guys and serial killers have that." - Adam Sandler, from some trailer from a decently funny looking movie that I will go see with my roommates.

I guess when it all boils down. I'm just pissed because it should be me. What has he done to earn it. Then again, think of everything I've done to prove I don't deserve it.

Okay, I'm over it.

For today.

FML.

03.25.09

2009-03-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

Tightrope by Yeasayer

Bruised by The Bens

So Far Around The Bend by The National

These songs and much much more have been on my mind recently. Music is the soundtrack to my life not in the sense that it tells me where to go or what to do, but in the sense that I hear it in the back of my head at all times. Unfortunately I do not have the greatest memory for math equations or biology, BUT i can remember tons of songs and apply them to my current mood!

--------

it was just like in a movie. i mean, would you expect anything less dramatic? i arrive 30 minutes early. find closest starbucks to where i was (not to where you would be). coffee in hand i walk to the nearest table (not purposefully the one by the window). but just like in the movies, (all those damn movies) right when i'm sitting down i for one split second look outside. (why did i look outside?) there you are walking out of the subway station; returning from your night. damnit, reality! so i wait 30 minutes until i absolutely have to put a smile on. i grin and take it (not quite like in the movies- but hey, i'm no actor.)

03.10.09

2009-03-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

March 10th, we meet again.

02.24.09

2009-02-23T21:16:00.000-08:00

migraine

my grain

ma grand

ma grandma

my grandma, grand

granular grandmas, my god!

my god, grandma. my head hurts.

dream last night: broke into a house to party. attacked by werewolves. outsmarted werewolves and turned them on each other in werewolf v. werewolf blood bath. tight.

reality two nights ago: you're almost 4 years younger than me. wrong? probably, but so much better than for me right now than what i've been chasing for the past 4 years. it's whatever.

pretty excited for the sequel, Slumdog Billionare.

peace out inhibitions.

live life out loud.

aloud.

a loud life to be lived.

life aloud, out loud.

allowed life to be lived in the loud.

allowed life.

Girl, without

2009-02-14T00:04:00.000-08:00

how can i even begin to

put together a few lines

of prose

that can encompass all of the

feelings

the

emotions

the hate disgust sadness pain,

love admiration joy good feelings

you have caused me?

i suppose only in my dreams.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

2008-05-03T22:53:00.001-07:00

god has been on my heart a lot lately

i don't know if i'll ever be comfortable with that phrase. but it might be true. not that i think that he's been talking to me or trying to change me or convincing me to dump my girlfriend....but i can't stop thinking about him.

i'm incredibly blessed. i need someone to thank.

or is ayn rand right? do i reap what a sow? i cant decide.

i would venture to say that for the past four years i've fought with every ounce of my body to be not a typical christian. i don't like the cheese. i don't like the blame. i don't like the guilt. but for some reason i've been yearning for it all. damnit.

this summer i'm going to subject myself to some rather intense personal reflection and bible study. i have this picture in my mind of hiking up a mountain and exploring some serious topics by myself. i need to decide who i am and who i want to be.

no big deal, right?

four days before d-day

2008-03-04T21:57:00.000-08:00

i'm sorry

but

i'm not going to stop you from falling in love with me

hahahahahahahahhasfkndjvx

02.17.08

2008-02-17T11:36:00.000-08:00

"So you've got some curb appeal, but can you cook a three course meal?"

Oh S.M. how can you always be so critical in my life? Is it because your lyrics are incredibly ambiguous and cover a ridiculously wide spectrum so that they can be interpreted into whatever the listener wishes?

Yes.

------

Bose headphones are the greatest thing i possess. my precious, my precious.

radiohead tickets. my paranoid precious, my paranoid precious.

---

I think when I was younger I thought 20 was a lot older than it really is. I vaguely remember feeling that i would have a wife and three kids by now. Of course, that's not impossible, and I'm sure it is true for many men my age...but it is completely implausible. Maybe breaking up with someone you thought you were going to marry just puts your dating life into perspective, but....

why would you want to give up dancing with freshman girls at frat parties so quickly?!

()()()()()()

"so much for the three course meals."

02.11.08

2008-02-04T21:39:00.000-08:00

romanticism?

only if you want to do an exorcism.

who am i kidding,

i'm not going to let a few skeletons in the closet stop me

from making an ass of myself this week!

first time for everything

2008-01-27T15:33:00.000-08:00

do i feel guilty? or more like a man?

discuss.

01.21.08

2008-01-21T15:29:00.000-08:00

there is not enough time in one day to do everything i wish i could

however, there seems to be plenty of time at night for me to text ex-girlfriends.

damnit.

--------------

so far this semester has been everything i could wish for and more. the fountainhead has been a fun read. the jury is still out on my exact opinion of it, but it has been enjoyable thus far. editorial cartoons for the skiff = dream job. only 12 hours of class = lightest load ever. some acting on the side; awesome. brotherhood chair for pikapp = blessing

in the future i am excited for: more new music (i.e. malkmus and the jicks' Real Emotional Trash- March 4th on Matador Records) internship in Germany? more brother hood nights. my 21st birthday. possibly a trip to Ohio.

---------------

when i was 17 i was bit by a bug

back then i didn't mind

i guess you could say it did not "itch"

but then it itched a lot

and i tried to cover it with cream

and that didn't work

so i tried to ignore it

and that's not working

four years later and i still have the same itch.

"6 am day after Christmas"

2007-12-26T01:46:00.000-08:00

there are people in this world who don't write. there are people in this world who don't listen to music. there are people in this world who don't read books.

no, i swear i've met them. (i reside in oklahoma)

but honestly, i feel like the most uncultured person sometimes, and i'm cultured! i mean, it's one thing to not want to read books during the school year because of important distractions, but nothing during the break? am i the only one who procrastinates by making lists of books i will read once i get a chance?

this rant can go on a lot longer, you know. and there is one for people who don't understand creative writing. similarly, there is one for people that listen to shitty music. that one is a lot longer and a little more pretentious. there is also one for people who think that they are cultured but really aren't (this is probably one of the greatest sins [and in no way makes me any more pretentious sounding]) - this group includes those that think postal service covered Iron & Wine's song "Such Great Heights", or that the director of Napoleon Dynamite borrowed a lot from Wes Anderson. i could kill a man over the latter.

these rants all lead to the same question, of course. am i more emotional than everyone else so i have to find solace in words and music - OR - am i more emotional because of the words and music i find solace in. reversely, does watching a lot of will smith movies thwart ones ability to think creatively. maybe i am confusing creative and emotional (the difference between malkmus and the cure, no less) [that metaphor was faulty and thrown in simply because my reader won't be "cultured" enough to understand it]

that's all trash.

this is fact:

i'm not upset with my peers for not having the same appreciation for good words/music that i do. i'm upset that i'm not better at making good words/music so that they can appreciate me!

===================

insert poem*

12.12.07

2007-12-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

texas

chile

london

scotland

(germany)

<><><><>

how do you like me now?

11.24.2012

2007-11-24T19:29:00.000-08:00

every time i play my itunes the Kinks ask me if i remember walter

but i want to know what happened to edmund

11.19.07

2007-11-18T23:26:00.001-08:00

regular coke is bad for you, but sometimes after having a lot of diet coke you miss the taste

2007-10-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

storms looming in sight:

anxious, pressure, scarred to death.

quick! teach me flash now.

10.13.07

2007-10-13T15:18:00.000-07:00

darjeeling perfection.

fireworks strike again.

buried in sound.

----------

lately i've been faced with an incredibly powerful distaste of studying. i'm uninterested in my hardest classes and this is backfiring wonderfully because they are leaving me less time to study for the classes i enjoy. it's a great catch-22, and the only winner would be me if grades were golf scores!

-----

"thems got ears, let them hear. thems got eyes, let them see"

ever since my Bible was peed on, I've been faced with the age old question of if I should buy another one. i don't know if it is an age old question, but i'm sure it's a question people my age frequently ask themselves..."do i need a bible?". it's not that i'm no longer christian, or religious necessarily, but honestly, i can't remember the last time i opened it. shouldn't i just expect the church i go to to have bible provided for me? or onlinebiblereader.com/jesus....

i suppose it's just the conditioning, the feeling, the knowing that i have a bible in my room. it will make everything start to make sense. make life make sense. lately it has been people in my room, not books that make this happen.

-------------------

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfiaxPsvnTU

that's just really funny.

--------------

i could never make myself think like you

rather,

i never wanted to.

thank god for that;

she likes recycling too.

creep'd

2007-09-30T15:19:00.000-07:00

moon shadows strike the wall
parental monitored beer pong playing resides in memory banks;
fireworks explode.

fireworks? were they bright, colorful, loud, fun??

well, they were:

as bright as her smile
as colorful as our conversation
as loud as my heartbeat

and yes... fun.

i'm glad i didn't sleep through the fireworks

09.27.07

2007-09-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

things change in 25 days.

only 25 days?

oh, the things that have changed.

--------------

remember when you found out that i had one of these and didn't tell you?

...remember when we talked?

...neither do it

-------------------

simon and garfunkel were meant for vinyl. so was iron & wine. and sufjan stevens. and lots of other artists i'm sure. there's just something about warm, crisp, guitar strums that excite me. it's like i've illegally downloaded some un-released version of a song and am listening to it on my father's work laptop late at night. or maybe it's more like they're playing me a personal show in my bedroom.

either would be cool.

"yeah, but that's just money" - owner of Record Town, new personal hero

---------

"don't you think they look a lot alike?"

"yeah, he is pretty narcissistic though."

so true.

----------------------

i like christmas trees a lot. they're not holiday trees. they are christmas trees. HOWEVER, it is not Christmas at TCU, it is Holidays at TCU.

"we're a Christian school"

Yes, I'm aware but we give money to all sorts of organizations: jewish, muslim, etc. (hell, even Catholic) It would be a slap in the face if we decided to hold a campus wide event for all students but referred to it as Christmas.

"so..."

So, the student government should not exclude any demographic of the student body.

"we're a christian school- what... are we suppose to change our name?

No, we're suppose to be open and affirming just like the christian leaders who founded this school. We're suppose to have holidays at TCU, and have something for everyone: christmas tree, menorha, kwansa, etc.

Why does that not make sense to anyone else?

--------------------

gooney golf soon?

09.02.07

2007-09-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

sufjan stevens, can anyone be you besides you?

let me know.

-----------------

college just started. no, not for this year, but for me.

i think my grades will finally reflect myself (bad to the bone, baby).

-------

who wants my business card? who wants to lose their scholarship?! haha...i apparently do.

--------------------------

whatever i end up doing in life i have to do it for me. i can't be happy and work for someone else, i can't be happy and wish i was doing something else. once i get out of school i refuse to fall in to the "this is only temporary" mindset or the "oh, i'll do this until something better comes along".

so basically starting my own company is the only option.

also, i really want to avoid the, "oh, i'll just marry this girl" mindset. but, no promises. especially with me being related to my sister and all. oh yeah, and having a girlfriend since sophomore year of high school. what i would give to be a man whore, what i would give!

------------------------------------

luckily no one else can be sufjan stevens.

luckily no one else can be me.

============

i often like to sit and reflect on jason mraz.

"we had sex, but if you want my professional opinion, that boy is gayer than a handbag full of rainbows."

...not that that's a bad thing.

2007-07-09T19:01:00.000-07:00

"and you push another button and it produces a hologram of Heidi the foreign exchange student who wants to sleep with you because of your new phone"

--------

Nurses: hypocrites or masters of irony?

--------------

does a love hate relationship mean you have two emotions at once, or does it mean you're bipolar as to which way you feel about a person at any one time. is it possible to have the first because someone else has the latter?

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"And remember, don't have premarital sex or your penis will fall off and into an alternate universe filled with hungry dogs who will eat it."

see also: attempts to give her low self esteem

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title of post should be: 07.09.07

06.26.07

2007-06-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

It seems as if this blog isn't as secluded/private as I had hoped.
Who am I kidding. The only people who want privacy don't use the internet.
I hope I never meet anyone who doesn't use the internet. Similarly, I hope I meet Al Gore.

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Currently convincing myself: that I don't need an iPhone
Currently convincing you: that you need an iPhone (the stock is plummeting)

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Radiohead. Radiohead. Radiohead. Radiohead.

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From this day forward I will put all my energy into inventing something that makes something easier. I am not an engineer, I can't invent anything complex or technical. However, I am a humanitarian, so I just need to invent something that humanitizes (didn't Dr. K already do that?) anyway, that's what I need to do!

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Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s son speaking at his father's funeral,
"Well, Dad's with God now."
*crowd ROFLs*

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(roll-fluh-s): rolling on the floor laughing :-)

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I think the question I constantly ask myself is not am I the person I wish to be, but am I the person I dreamed of being when I was 16? Does that seem naive? To think that there would be anyway that my current living arrangement/goals/desires would be intact for that long? yes. damnit. I think I was much more ideological and artistic when I was 16...no, 17.

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hey there delilah, ...this song sucks.

so does this blogish

06.07.07

2007-06-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

3 months and Kelly Clarkson is still sober

joy.

3 days and Paris Hilton is out of jail

justice.

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other points of interest:

blood in my kleenex didn't hurt,
but the medication gives me heartburn.
a painless serious problem
or a seriously painful everyday problem?

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http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.photo.gif
Working 9-5 is not fun. I'm to tired to do anything before work. I'm to tired to do anything after work. All I do at work is work. Geez; they weren't kidding about how awesome college is.

I think this is something my father has struggled with. Probably your father to, and his father, and my father's father- but his father was probably okay because life was easy back then...right?

Do you work so you can do what you love? Or love your work? I would love your work. Loooove your work. So basically, make yourself love being a financial analyst and you are A-OK.

I love being a movie voice and drawing editorial cartoons. Find that in the classifieds.

06.05.07

2007-06-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

I like to keep relationships with people from my past. Ideally, I would remain good friends with everyone I encounter, and I would never have a problem drinking a beer with them or offering them any kind of assistance. That would be nice. However, it could come to be troublesome if too many people were taking advantage of my hospitality. Yeah, take that nice guy with a ton of great friendships- just wait until they take advantage of you.

Barack Obama.

a brunette who enjoys wilco.

i would vote for these two things. but only these two things.

and now, e e cummings (it's hard to believe he wrote this in the 1920s)
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nobody loses all the time

i had an uncle named
Sol who was a born failure and
nearly everybody said he should have gone
into vaudeville perhaps because my Uncle Sol could
sing McCann He Was A Diver on Xmas Eve like Hell Itself which
may or may not account for the fact that my Uncle

Sol indulged in that possibly most inexcusable
of all to use a highfalootin phrase
luxuries that is or to
wit farming and be
it needlessly
added

my Uncle Sol's farm
failed because the chickens
ate the vegetables so
my Uncle Sol had a
chicken farm till the
skunks ate the chickens when

my Uncle Sol
had a skunk farm but
the skunks caught cold and
died so
my Uncle Sol imitated the
skunks in a subtle manner

or by drowning himself in the watertank
but somebody who'd given my Unde Sol a Victor
Victrola and records while he lived presented to
him upon the auspicious occasion of his decease a
scrumptious not to mention splendiferous funeral with
tall boys in black gloves and flowers and everything and

i remember we all cried like the Missouri
when my Uncle Sol's coffin lurched because
somebody pressed a button
(and down went
my Uncle
Sol

and started a worm farm)

05.29.07

2007-05-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

How old is the internet?

Is it weird to think that technology is improving at such a fast rate that we're already taking the invention of the internet for granted?

Please, let's all give Al Gore his props.

I think it's a point worthy of conversation that without myspace emo would have never taken off like it did. It still would have started, and the music would have been there, but there's no way that the community would have grown if there wasn't a place for guys in girl pants to post pictures of themselves kissing other guys in girl pants.

Similarly, the stupid comedian (i.e. napolean dynomitish) would have never found a fixture in recent pop culture unless there was a youtube to fuel everyone's desire to be publically dumb.

So was the invention of the internet really a good thing? Well, let's not forget about porn....