09/20/09

It's not me, it's you.

I mean, I meant it when I told you there was nothing you could do about it, but that doesn't mean that it isn't your fault.

You are woman. Therefore it will always be difficult (see also impossible)

Exhibit A:

>>advances

<<'ignore

>>advances

<<'refuse

>>advances

<<'cave

>>regret<<

To be honest, it was easier than I thought it would be to cave in so easily - - but that doesn't mean that I'm feeling any better about this (because I still don't see it being easy).

Or maybe it's my fault, I'm definitely out of shape. It's like I've been training, but not for the race I want to be running. I guess I should have told you before you started running next to me. Lo siento.

09.17.09

I'm constantly at war with two very rational and perfect answers to the only problem I currently have in life.

First of all, it's a great problem to have. Okay no, before that first of all, I should say that, very first of all, I am incredibly blessed to only have one problem. Maybe it's not even a problem. Maybe it's just an issue (pronounced issssss-ewwwww). Regardless, I am very blessed to have a full supportive and loving family that is neither stricken with sickness or ill feelings towards me (currently). I also have some of the greatest friends I could ask for- they laugh at my jokes, they encourage my decisions, and they generally give me good advice. They're great. I also presently have a job that pays very well and isn't too entirely boring. So what's my problem you ask? Ambition.

I am diseased with ambition. Now really, I'm not a prick. I know that statements like that sound so self-indulgent, and like when the girl in your accounting class would complain about how much she studies (boo whoo don't study so much). I'm just saying that I'm worried that I won't ever be happy where I currently am. Maybe it's anxiety. Anxious ambition? But seriously, I am always thinking about the future and the next step and how to fit the next piece into the puzzle and if I'm even working on the correct puzzle.

My history is riddled with evidence of this. You should interview my ex-girlfriends. They were all great, beautiful, awe-inspiring creatures, buuuuuuttttttttt…things just didn't work out. I wanted more from them (when in reality they were probably giving more than enough). Same with college. I just wanted more. I wanted to do more things, I wanted to be in control of more stuff, I wanted more people to like me.

So now I want to know when will I just be Nate? Do I even know what Nate is? Is he just this guy that wants to do more things, and be recognized more and be more well liked? Do I take the job in Houston because it pays well and is with a good company? OR do I listen to the one little identifiable part of me left and keep pursuing advertising- a beaten down industry that pays horribly and is so hard to make a name for yourself. What do I do?! Be myself OR be myself?! Help me Ronda.

What? Really? Okay, you're right. I'm a prick.